


The Fallen Man

by justalittlegreen, onekisstotakewithme



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Coda, Collaboration, Episode: s11e06 Bombshells, M/M, Missing Scene, Post-Trauma, hunnihawk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-18 18:48:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19340449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justalittlegreen/pseuds/justalittlegreen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/pseuds/onekisstotakewithme
Summary: "We're not supposed to decide. No one asks us who should live and who should die. It's not a choice."Tag to "Bombshells"





	The Fallen Man

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flootzavut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/gifts).



BJ doesn't show up to dinner. 

Hawkeye’s head jerks up every time the door to the mess tent opens, until the Colonel tells him to ease up, he’s going to give himself whiplash. Hawkeye worries his mashed potatoes with the back of a spoon and can’t even muster a wisecrack. 

“He needs to eat,” he mutters to no one in particular. “He probably hasn’t eaten in twelve hours.”

Potter says to give him some time, give the man a chance to settle back into himself. He looks Hawkeye in the eye and says softly, "There's a reason I don't go parading my brass, my bronze, or any other color. The stories behind them are never simple.”

Hawkeye checks post-op, the latrine, the showers. He even looks under BJ's cot, as if any part of him could fit under there. He takes a flashlight around the perimeter of the camp, finds himself heading to the helipad.

He almost misses BJ, sprawled on the ground, hands folded behind his head. 

"Nice night for stargazing," Hawkeye says tentatively.

"Oh yeah," BJ says, his voice soft, but with an edge to it. "It's a great night for it."

"Can I join this party or am I supposed to have a telescope?"

"You can sit if you want," BJ says. "I'm not much company though."

"Know a lot about stargazing?" Hawk asks, sitting down beside him. 

"Learned everything from my dad," BJ says. "All the constellations."

"Got a favourite?"

"No, but I invented a new one: the fallen man."

"Oh yeah?" Hawkeye eases himself down with a quiet groan, lays down close, but not touching. "What's that one look like?"

BJ is quiet for a long moment. "Like something I can't describe or forget."

"You did everything you could." It's reflex, the doctor's mantra, the thing they all say to each other on the day it's not their turn. Hawkeye regrets it as soon as he finishes the sentence. "I'm sorry," he adds. "It's never easy to hear, even when it's the truth."

"It's not that - it's - " BJ struggles for a moment. "We're not supposed to  _ decide _ . No one asks us who should live and who should die. It's not a choice."

"Maybe not for you."

BJ rolls onto his side, furrows his brow. "What?"

"Henry," Hawk mumbles. "He could never make the call. He could have a kid on the table with a snowball's chance, and five more he could save on the other side of the door, but he could never be the one to say it."

"That's different."

"Is it? A man who could almost be my father turns to me and asks permission to cut the dying loose to save the living?"

"It is different," BJ says, shifting. "It's different because Henry's patients didn't have a chance. Mine did. Until I took it away."

"Beej, think about this logically-"

"The Hippocratic oath says 'do no harm', doesn't it? And I did, Hawk. I did harm."

Hawkeye doesn't answer. He sits up and hugs his knees, looking into the dark distance. There are so many stars in Korea. He can spot the Big Dipper tonight. Wonders if his father will see it from the porch tomorrow.

"Beej, do you remember the time I went to Battalion Aid and you didn't know if I was alive or dead?"

"It's not really the kind of thing I forget."

"I wrote my will while I was up there. I wasn't sure I was going to make it."

"And?"

"I couldn't think of what to leave you. Everyone else was easy. You were a blank at the bottom of the page until after I got back."

"Do I really matter that little to you, Hawk?”

"No, you matter that much. I never really did figure it out, how to leave something so little to someone who means so much."

"What did you end up doing?"

"Erin," Hawk says, glancing sideways at BJ. "I left her a list of every man you'd worked on here, so she'd know... and I think so you'd know too."

"Know what?"

"That you’re a life saver,” Hawk says softly. "Mine included."

"But not his."

"No. Not his," Hawkeye concedes. "That said, Beej, I don't think you knew it, but you chose between me and him, and you chose me."

"You weren't the one on the end of the rope."

"Of course not. But losing you? Having - having you leave on a  _ fishing trip _ and not coming home?"

"I haven't come home." 

"Well, you know what I mean. California it's not, but - "

"No, I mean, Hawk, I'm  _ not _ .  _ Home _ . There's still a part of me in that chopper. I don't - " he sits up, grabs a stone and flings it into the dark. "I'd be better able to live with myself if I'd died." He chokes on the last word, buries his face in his hands.

"And what about Peg? What about  _ Erin _ ?" Hawkeye shoots back.  _ And what about me _ ? he adds silently. He reaches over and grabs the back of BJ's neck, fingers kneading, working the mass of knots under his skin. "You would've left me to explain it to them?"

"Wouldn't it be easier?" BJ asks, his voice a broken rasp. "Easier than living with this  _ feeling _ ? Easier than living with myself, waking up every day and  _ knowing _ ?"

"Easier for who, Beej? For Peg? She loves you, and she still needs you. For Erin? She needs her dad. And me? It's selfish, Beej, but I need you. People need you still. And we've got patients who need your hands, your skills."

"But I can't forget. And I can't ever be  _ me _ again."

"No one's asking you to forget." Hawkeye takes a risk, tugs BJ a bit closer. He doesn't resist it. "No one's asking you to forget," he repeats, reaching up the side of BJ's face, cupping it, pulling him toward his shoulder. "And Beej? It may not feel like it right now, and you probably don't want to hear it, but you're still you. You are  _ still you _ ."

_ You're still the best man I know. _

BJ doesn't say anything more, but the way he sighs and leans against Hawkeye's hand says everything. He hauls himself to his feet, holds out a hand for Hawk. They make their way down in silence, head to the Swamp. 

"You boys out for a midnight stroll?" Hawkeye's flashlight catches a red and white striped hem. 

"Just a little stargazing," Hawkeye replies.

"See anything good?"

"Mmm." They nod a goodnight to the colonel and start to head for the Swamp.

"Oh, and Hunnicutt?"

BJ turns. "Yeah, Colonel?"

"I want to see you before breakfast. Meet me somewhere quiet. There's a few things I need to show you."

"You got it, Colonel. Good night."

"Good night, son. Get some rest, doctor's orders."

Hawkeye opens the door to the Swamp and ushers BJ in. Charles is already in for the night, and it sounds as if he's pretending to be asleep already, giving the two of them the illusion of privacy. Hawkeye feels a flash of gratitude towards him, but his focus is on BJ, on steering him towards the cot. "You want company tonight?"

"Who?" BJ asks.

"Marilyn Monroe." Hawk smiles. "Me, dummy."

"I should probably just... sleep."

"But will you sleep or are you gonna stew all night about it?” Hawk asks knowingly. BJ doesn’t answer. Hawkeye sighs. “Please, Beej. This is what friends do, you know? They have each other's backs. Or fronts, or sides." He sits down on the edge of BJ's cot. "They're here to say 'I got you'. And Beej? I got you."

BJ lies down without a word, kicking his boots off without looking. Hawkeye puts a hand on his shoulder and holds it there, the two of them breathing quietly in the dark. He’s about to go back to his own cot and give in to the night when he feels BJ’s fingertips tentatively closing over his own. 

Sleep can wait. Hawkeye shifts to make himself as comfortable as he can be, and settles in for a long wait at BJ’s back.


End file.
